Gadhra dot Com

I’ve created a little survey for you about dogs and cats. Hope you enjoy it.

1) Should you eat any of the following?
__ Your poop
__ Someone else’s poop
__ A cough drop that’s big enough to get lodged in your throat and choke you
__ Dried solder
__ Twigs
__ Pieces of wood
__ Mysterious berries
__ The rotting carcass of a kitten fetus
__ Old gum
__ Leaves
__ Dirt
__ That shit is nasty. All I want is some cat food, maybe some plants, and a kitty treat every now and then.

2) Let’s say your human master wants to teach you how to go to the bathroom in a specified place. What should he do?
__ Show me where the litterbox is. I can figure out the rest for myself, thanks.
__ First, teach me how to go to the bathroom on some newspaper, or at least try to, because it doesn’t matter – I go to the bathroom where I like. After a few weeks of this torture, get up at 5:30am and take me out in the freezing rain so I can run around eating nasty shit (see Question 1 above) then, after you’ve almost got hypothermia, come inside where I immediately shit in the middle of the floor. Say “No” in a stern voice, then take me back outside to continue freezing your ass off. Come inside and clean up my shit (I find this funny, personally), then I’ll pee on the floor when you turn around. Repeat this procedure a couple of million times until I finally seem to be “getting it.” When you least expect it, I’ll poop on the floor and laugh. Choke me until I almost pass out, but I’ll be so happy that you’re even paying attention to me that I’ll pee on myself with glee. Console you in your sorrow.

3) Your master is watching TV and you’re in the kitchen, eating. All of a sudden, you notice that a pot roast that has been on the stove has caught fire. What do you do?
__ Bark until my master notices that the house is on fire. If he doesn’t show up, burn up with him in fiery, agonizing pain.
__ Get the fuck out of there

4) One quiet night, a pipe that connects to the radiator bursts. Your master is running around screaming and trying to figure out what to do as gallon upon gallon of hot water spills out all over his worldly possessions. What do you do?
__ Run around in circles, get scared, and hide in the corner with my tail between my legs
__ Chuckle softly in a quiet cat-voice

5) My master has accidentally-on-purpose locked me in my room. What do I do?
__ Sleep. He’ll be back
__ Yip incessantly until he comes to get me out, then pee on the floor

6) It’s time for a car ride. What do you do?
__ Jump into the passenger seat, chew briefly on my toys, and pass out.
__ Meow constantly for hours on end, vomit and pee in my cage, see how long I can growl for, act like it’s the end of the world

7) Your master has just stepped out of the shower. What do you do?
__ Try to lick his feet
__ Tell him to hurry the fuck up and feed me

True or False: I like it when my master runs ahead of me and drags me along the ground like James Byrd, Jr.
__ True. I can’t get enough of it. I pee myself with glee.
__ False. If you so much as touch me, I’m going to claw you to death and eat your tongue as it lolls out of your mouth like a swollen, black slug.

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Dear Farmer AssMonkey,

When you made modifications to this 200+ year old house, I’m sure you did these things with a mind towards pecuniary thriftness, so you could spend your hard earned cash on more overalls or that freaking assinine weight and pulley system you have in the barn. But whatever possessed you not to put shutoff valves on the various and sundry radiators in this house? Let’s give a hypothetical situation – let’s say that there’s this guy, and he’s home alone with a dog who has a brain the size of a kumquat, and that he has worked a nice long day and had a two hour ride home, and he wants to watch some Angel: Season One, and then there’s this gushing sound and suddenly there’s water everywhere because a FUCKING PIPE HAS BROKEN AND IT’S NOT EVEN WINTER. Now let’s say that this poor asshole guy has to run around like a jackhole and finally turn the water off TO THE ENTIRE HOUSE because you didn’t have enough foresight or enough money to put two little fucking valves on the pipes that lead to the radiator. Wouldn’t that hypothetically suck?

So plese, Farmer Fuckmouth, if you could just go ahead and spend a little bit of extra money next time around, that would be really great.

Sincerely Yours,
Disgruntled Homeowner

PS Don’t call me.

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Jordan Grafman
Cognitive Neuroscience

There are guys out there who can do Flash really, really well and, more importantly, they can make really, really awesome Flash movies about zombies. Let’s say they’ve hypothetically called this movie Xombie and then let’s say you’re going to to hypothetically watch this movie or I will kill you (that part’s not hypothetical).

Also, just wanted to tell people about a new quote I’ve added:
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. -Bertrand Russell

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Sean McIntosh of the New Fairfield McIntoshes turned 30 this weekend, and there was much rejoicing. Apparently, anyway, since I remember very little of it. We ended up at Boston Billiards, and I watched our crew of about a dozen people degenerate into a drunken mass of flesh over the course of the evening. When I last left them, they were on their way over to the diner. My wife was merciful and drove me home.

The next morning, I felt like death. I think I had a bit of alcohol poisoning: I was running a small fever, my stomach was killing me, and I was incredibly lethargic. This wasn’t good, of course, since we had to continue our tireless work on the house; right now, we’re ripping down the ceilings upstairs and replacing them, a job that’s less fun than it sounds.

I still felt sick this morning, so I’m staying home. My wife did, as well, but we’ve been realizing that it’s sometimes more stressful to stay home than it is to actually go into work, an irony that confounds me every single time.

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I can’t remember if I blogged this before, but I seem to remember doing so. Anyway, it’s worth another look

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I added a little photo album to the website, so get over there and look, you bums. There’s the old pictures of the house in there, as well as new pictures of the doggie. I’ll let you know when I update pictures in the future.

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I’m going to post some pics of the dog, as soon as I can find my digital camera. I left it around my house somewhere, and now I have absolutely no idea where the hell it is.

Just wanted to throw this out there, too – have you idiots never watched a sci fi movie?!. If you look out past the dawn of creation, you’re going to see what everyone has been keeping secret for so long, namely that the universe originates from a small man sitting in a room with a bonsai tree, Mr. Miyagi style. And that’s going to blow some minds

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We have received a boon from a stranger in the form of a doggie.

He’s quite cute, as doggies are at this age, and he is named Basho, sticking to my long-standing tradition of naming our animals after Zen poets and concepts. I’ll post some pictures soon, but this will probably be one of the few times I mention the dog, since I don’t want this to become one of those strange blogs out there where apparently people phonetically spell out conversations their dogs are having with the WebNet.

[BEGIN NERDING]
I also finished watching Angel, Season 3 last night. It was a tad disappointing. I’ve been strong and steered very clear of Buffy, Season 5, but I defied people’s advice and went for Angel Season 3. I wasn’t struck blind as some people might have said, but I wasn’t struck dumb with joy, either. I give it a 6 out of 10, where 10 is something really great and 1 is something that isn’t.
[/END NERDING]

I’ve been wicked tired lately, too. Normally, I’d say I’d been up late humping Korzak’s mom, but I think it’s because my lungs are slowly rotting away, and I’m suffocating to death. Here’s hoping my blood tests come back positive for health.

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You many not remember, but I encouraged you to put in for some money from the CD Companies. Well, if you didn’t, you’re a jerk. I have received a check for $13.86 from Mr. CD MAP Antitrust Litigation, paid out to me with a message that I’m totally great. I’m going to buy myself something totaly awesome with my money, and you unemployed losers are going to be pretty sorry you didn’t listen to me, aren’t you? Yeah, I thought so.

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You NEED to update your blog tomorrow. I don’t care if all you do is rant about how much I bug you to update, there has to be something. Try dictating your blog entry to yourself via a voicemail you leave at work, when you are commuting tomorrow morning. Then all you have to do is transcribe it once you get to the office.

He won’t like it one FUCKING BIT!!

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