Gadhra dot Com

Before I forget – Happy Halloween from Jack Chick, everyone!

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Our mortgage has been approved, and I have a nasty feeling I’ve now been roped into a life of indentured servitude to the bank. I wanted to give a big “shout out” to all of you who emailed me with words of encouragement, advice, and condolensces; I can’t even begin to tell you all how much that helped out. I’m going to compile a list of the great advice I’ve gotten from people here on the website, in case you ever go to buy a house.

That brings me to my next topic – my review column. Here are some suggestions:
* “Review beer and liquor! and do your write-up HAMMERED! then draw a comic!” ~Black Afrob
* “A review of beer and hard liquor would be good” ~ Jim Mac
* “Book/movie/hard liquor reviews, definitely. In any particular combination” ~ The Notrious S.H.A.N
* “The first 2 movies you review should be Friday and Cabin Boy!” ~ Grog Meenar
* “How about dress up like Alice in Wonderland and take pictures of yourself as you chase after the neighbor’s white rabbit?” ~ A Dawg
* “I would like to see a short story.” ~ Big Daddy A

So, there you have it. I’ve decided to combine as many of these as possible into one happy medium. My first reviews will be of the following:
* Book: Shadow and Claw (Gene Wolfe). This should make Korzak happy.
* Drink: The Captain’s Jewel, with the help of Jim Mac
* Movie: Ghost Dog, Way of the Samurai, which I can tell you already is one of the best movies EVER.

I also decided to leave you with this site. Does it seem weird to you?

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When they deny my mortgage application, I hope they send a gorillagram with big red balloons that read “Fuck No!”

Also, I’d like you to play the best game EVER

Finally, I’ve decided I need some sort of theme: some reason for you to tune in every day rather than hear me fucking prattle on and on and on about nothing except politics and…where was I? Oh yeah. A theme.

Here’s what I’m willing to review/do for you ungrateful people:
* Review Books
* Review Movies
* Review Music
* Review Software (not games, I’ll leave that to Penny Arcade)
* A weekly short story
* CSS/HTML Tips and tricks (weekly)
* Review Beer and Hard Liquor

Here’s what I’m NOT willing to do:
* Show pictures of my poop, my wang, or my ass
* Do ANYTHING with midgets or clowns
* Anything I find boring

All 5 of my readers should contact me and tell me what they would like to see.

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“Logic dictates that if evolutionism is true and the eye was built incrementally over time from nothing to its present state of functional wholeness, then it must have at some point in the past been only half of an eye.”

I goddamn LOVE this site.

Korzak asked me to blog about it, because he can’t bring himself to finish the whole article. He says that little gems like “[N]owhere in the Bible does it say that Adam had half-eyes – a notable fact that would not have been left out – so that means he didn’t” makes him want to blow his head clean off, like a five year old swatting a ball of a tee.

Here’s the summary: evolution can’t be true because, if it were, there would have been a time when we only had half of an eye. Dr. Richard Haley uses logic to back his claim up: Logic dictates that if evolutionism is true and the eye was built incrementally over time from nothing to its present state of functional wholeness, then it must have at some point in the past been only half of an eye. Delicious! It’s a brand of logic I’m not even aware of; Malleable Logic, ready to twist to fit your own conception of the truth. Let’s try it out, shall we?

1) Logic dictates that if you have a sandwich and I don’t, it’s unfair. We know that things that are unfair are unwholesome in the eyes of the Lord – ergo, I am doing His work when I smash your head in with a ball-peen hammer and take what is rightfully mine.

2) Logic dictates that if you have any male friends, you like guys. Ergo, you’re gay.

3) Logic dictates that “[o]ur economy has grown 164 percent in three decades. That’s pretty good growth. And yet, according to a report that the EPA is releasing today, air pollution from six major pollutants is down by 48 percent during that period of time.” Ergo, we should complete gut the Clean Air Act, which proves that you can be profitable and still reduce pollution [Bush, New Yorker 9.29.03] (to quote Kolbert, “Citing the success of the Clean Air Act in order to justify gutting it makes, on the face of it, no sense whatsoever; if there’s any lesson here, it’s that tough pollution standards work, and that they are perfectly consistent with a robust economy. But the weakness of the President’s arguments only makes the broader message …that much plainer: nothing is going to stand in the way of the Administration’s environmental program, least of all logic.”)

See? You can learn many wonderful things from the “science of creation” – it “gives us a more reasonable and evidenced origin for the complex eye: it was created by God whole and fully functional.” It allows us to completely fuck the environment. It gets me what I want. What’s the big problem?

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Did you read this? Seriously, what the flying horse fuck?! I know this guy is a retired special forces dude ie. a fucking lunatic, but someone should probably have warned him that sowing hatred based on a vitriolic diatribe about a “Holy War” is probably not the best way to go. I thought I maybe a temporal rift had opened up at my desk and I had been sucked back 900 years to the goddamn Crusades, until I realized I still had electricity.

I feel like I’ve been taking crazy pills all week. Korzak emailed me to ask me who turned the world upside down, and I didn’t have an answer.

I swear to god, if there’s no traffic on the Garden State Parkway tonight, I know I’ve entered another dimension. Hopefully it’s one where I have super powers!

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LARPers lead the way in the world’s geekiest hobbies. We’re number one!

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I’m going to geek out for a second, so please bear with me.

Slashdot is reporting on a very interesting article on a benchmark test between the Mac G5 and the Athlon 64. PC World took the G5 to task against the Athlon 64, the P4, and the Opteron processors, benchmarking against Adobe Premiere 6, Adobe Photoshop 7, MS Word, and Quake III (maybe one of the only games you can get for the Mac, but I digress). The Mac was crushed in all but one category – Photoshop – though it didn’t take top honors in this spot.

Now, as I’ve said before, I really don’t care one way or the other about Macs. I think they’re great machines, and a great number of people who have my Tech Respect swear by them. They’re fun to use and have an intuitive UI. What pisses me off is when Mac bends the truth in an attempt to technologically legitimize themselves (see my June 24th post for another example). Hands down, Mac is the better system from a UI perspective; why do they need to win the “speed race” and have to resort to Clinton-speak to do it? (When Mac said the G5 is the world’s fastest personal computer and the first with a 64-bit processor, that was true after a fashion – it was first. And AMD/Intel don’t put out personal computers, thus the procs used aren’t native to the Dell machine that contains them, for example. Whatever).

In fairness, there’s an OS upgrade (Panther) for Mac in 9 days – it might make a big difference. There’s also a great deal of arm-flapping (as can be expected) over on Slashdot – they used a Microsoft app (unfair to the Mac!), they used a game (unfair to the Mac!), they used Premiere (which runs in Mac Classic – unfair!), the other machines used RAID, etc. etc.

I’m going to keep my zealots in Starcraft, methinks.

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It’s funny – you’ve got nothing to write about for an entire week, and all of a sudden things come crawling out of the woodwork.

Have you clicked on and read that article? Good. Because that story is so goddamn horrid it made my stomach hurt and my rectum clench up. Let’s look at my favorite quotes, shall we?

“Aids… has grown so fast because of the availability of condoms.”

“Some priests have even been saying that condoms are laced with HIV/Aids.”

The horror of that statement hasn’t even fully sunk in yet. My mind has reeled away from the concept that an institution like the Catholic Church would actually say this. I feel like I’ve been giving mental smelling salts while I’m concious, and the stench of ammonia has overwhelmed my nervous system to the point of collapse.

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God, I haven’t updated in a week. I suck. I feel like nothing particularly fascinating has been going on – the purchasing of the house (or The House as it will henceforth be known) has consumed all of my mental apparatus. Cardell gave me a bunch of advice about house buying, and I’ve been reading his letter while lying in the fetal position under my bed, weeping.

Last night we filled out the mortgage application, and by “we” I mean Anastasia. I drank wine and watched old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Anastasia would give me things to sign and initial – endless things, I think I got a hand cramp at one point – but I just kept getting drunker and drunker and signed more and more documents until I think I signed over a post-nuptial agreement of some sort. The application was sent out by Fed-Ex today and I feel like going to Fed Ex Central and intercepting my package like a ninja (think Oni, but male, fat, and no purple hair).

I was feeling a bit under the weather, but we visited the House yesterday and I felt a little better. It’s such a nice piece of property, and I think we could be really happy there, especially after I build Steffie World in the barn (I’m planning on a basketball court, a climbing wall, video games; in short, Heaven made flesh). Korzak is going to live on the south forty and drive a go-cart in to pay us a visit. It will be a quiet little commune of Happiness, and all it will cost is my soul.

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I’ve been half busy, half depressed lately, which doesn’t lend itself well to blogging. I’m going to throw some links out there for you to amuse yourselves with. Get to amusing!!

• I think Ronald McDonald is a pimp
• I’m too afraid to listen to an album by the Taco Gangsta
• Bubba-Hotep, the new movie with action hero Bruce Campbell is showing in NYC. Only
• This kid just wrote a book that he started when he was 15. He’s probably 17 now. I’m 28 and I’ll have to show for it is this shitty T-Shirt.
• Worst Movie Ever. Ever

Also, they pushed back the release date for Half Life 2 until April 2004 because of some filthy hackers. Filthy!

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